Take Their Suggestions. 

Teen Trusted; Parent Approved is a label I take very seriously. One of the first topics I discuss after family can come together and process whatever is going on is to ask the teen for suggestions. Suggestions surrounding what would make life better.

As adults, we forget our children are human. It sounds silly, I know, but it’s true. We forget they are supposed to be challenging themselves in many ways (the brain is built this way) and stretch the limits to test autonomy, authority, and impulsivity. Many times, at the expense of their caregiver’s patience, sanity, and even sleep. Having a conversation around that autonomy is a crucial step to rebuilding (when needed) a respectful, mutual exchange with each other. The first thing you may think a teen would ask for is a later curfew, more time on games and phones, more money, and so on… While such questions may arise, the ones that matter are those I dig for in individualized therapy sessions.

After trust is built, the questions sound more like the following; I do not feel heard; I am constantly interrupted; I want to feel safe to be myself; I cannot handle the yelling; too many assumptions are made about the way I feel; and so on… Give room for pause in conversations. Be thoughtful and calm in your approach. Be inherently interested and not distracted. This is a balance as well, am I right?!?  Many times, a teenager’s suggestions are simple, free, fair, and most importantly, scaffolding for building a healthier connection.